This Sergei Kislyak Fan Theory will Blow Your Mind
Sergei Kislyak is the Russian ambassador no one can remember meeting. We think he looks like this, but it’s impossible to be sure:
Last March, we learned that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had met with Kislyak at least twice during the campaign. But he testified before the Senate that he “did not have communications with the Russians.” His response to the question: “Have you been in contact with anyone connected to any part of the Russian government about the 2016 election?” was a simple “No.” After this came out, Sessions apologized for the oversight and recused himself from the Russia investigation (although he later reasserted himself into it by advising Trump to fire the man in charge).
Today, CNN is reporting that Sessions may have had an additional meeting with Sergei Kislyak at the Mayflower Hotel in April 2016, something Sessions had previously denied. Senator Ted Lieu said if this is true, it is “big time perjury.”
But Sessions isn’t the only person who has a fuzzy memory when it comes to Kislyak.
We learned last week that Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and the prince that was promised, also met with Kislyak as part of his neat plan to set up backchannel communications with Russia that could not be monitored by the US government. Kushner never disclosed this meeting during his extensive background check for security clearance.
Trump’s disgraced former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was practically BFFs with Kislyak during the transition. Flynn called Kislyak five times after President Obama imposed sanctions on the Russians. Flynn even texted Kislyak on December 25th to wish him Merry Christmas. But Flynn was fuzzy on the details of these conversations. He repeatedly denied discussing sanctions with Kislyak, even though Acting Attorney General Sally Yates knew that he had done so.
So what’s going on here? Why does everyone in the Trump administration have such a hard time remembering and reporting on their meetings with Sergei Kislyak?
The most obvious explanation is that the Trump team is full of corrupt liars unworthy of the American people’s trust, but doesn’t that feel a bit too easy? What if jumping to such a conclusion lets the real villains off the hook? You see, there is another even more sinister explanation for what’s going on here…
Sergei Kislyak is a member The Silence, a nefarious alien race and religious order depicted in the Science Fiction television series Doctor Who.
Now we know that might sound a little crazy, but hear us out. It all makes perfect sense.
The Silence dress in suits, just like Sergei Kislyak. The Silence are a relic of the cold war era, just like Sergei Kisyak. The Silence are pale, misshapen, and upsetting to gaze upon, just like Sergei Kislyak.
But the most convincing evidence is that Kislyak and The Silence share a particularly insidious superpower. Once you see them, you immediately forget the experience.
How do you fight a monster you can’t remember seeing? The Doctor and his team began making tally marks on their bodies so they would know when there was a Silence nearby, even if they could not remember seeing it.
Eventually, the Doctor snuck a televised warning about the Silence into the broadcast of the first moon landing, so that everyone in the world would know to kill them on sight.
It was all very cool and a bit unsettling.
But what if The Silence survived the Doctor’s machinations? What if they found their way into Russia and infiltrated the highest levels of power? What if one of them is Sergei Kislyak?
If that’s what happened–and we think it is–we can’t really blame Flynn, Kushner, and Sessions for forgetting their conversations with him. Forgetting stuff is pretty much a given when it comes to The Silence.
Plus, wouldn’t it be a big mistake for us to focus on these oversights by the Trump administration while the real alien threat works its plan in secret?
Don’t let The Silence get away with this. Start making tally marks on your body every time you see Sergei Kislyak in the news. We’ve been doing that for months now, and we look like Mr. Zsasz: